The TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its
- Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father.
- Picard is Wesley's father.
- Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece.
- Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation "F. Off.”
- "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead".
- Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer.
- Troi starts all counselling sessions with male crewmembers by asking "So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
- Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
- Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom-used Jeffries tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times.
- All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas.
The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The
- Star Trek XII: Up the Creek - Wesley and three of his pals must win a river-rafting race for Starfleet Academy.
- Out, Out, Damn Spot - Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a hairball on Captain Picard.
- The Funted - superior aliens seize the Enterprise claiming that they wish to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is really on Galactic Candid Camera.
- Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) - Q puts humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday.
- Globular Mustard - an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
- Hell Hath No Fury - Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated bimbo.
- Deanna Does Pallas - while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive reaches its peak.
- The Bonding II - Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table in his ready room.
- Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d'etat) - Q endows every Starfleet uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling.
- Breeding Grounds - Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with Klingon aphrodisiacs.
The TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard:
- Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER be rid of the big dork!
- The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.
- If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they're free.
- Lwaxanna Troi might come to visit.
- Wesley might come to visit.
- Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bajoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
- That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counsellor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
- Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
- The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
- Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crewmember who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
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