The TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew:

  1. Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard's father.
  2. Picard is Wesley's father.
  3. Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece.
  4. Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation "F. Off.”
  5. "Worf" is Klingonese for "pinhead".
  6. Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale's dancer.
  7. Troi starts all counselling sessions with male crewmembers by asking "So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
  8. Riker's parents were Nazis, his middle initial "T" stands for "Third"
  9. Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom-used Jeffries tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times.
  10. All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas.

The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation:

  1. Star Trek XII: Up the Creek - Wesley and three of his pals must win a river-rafting race for Starfleet Academy.
  2. Out, Out, Damn Spot - Data's cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a hairball on Captain Picard.
  3. The Funted - superior aliens seize the Enterprise claiming that they wish to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is really on Galactic Candid Camera.
  4. Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) - Q puts humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday.
  5. Globular Mustard - an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
  6. Hell Hath No Fury - Keiko buries a machete in O'Brien's back after finding him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated bimbo.
  7. Deanna Does Pallas - while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar System's asteroid belt, Counselor Troi's Betazoid sex drive reaches its peak.
  8. The Bonding II - Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table in his ready room.
  9. Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d'etat) - Q endows every Starfleet uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling.
  10. Breeding Grounds - Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally served on the Enterprise with Folger's crystals spiked with Klingon aphrodisiacs.

The TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard:

  1. Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER be rid of the big dork!
  2. The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.
  3. If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they're free.
  4. Lwaxanna Troi might come to visit.
  5. Wesley might come to visit.
  6. Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bajoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
  7. That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counsellor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
  8. Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
  9. The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
  10. Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crewmember who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.